The One With the Game Show
by Jordan Forman
Summary: Ross is on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and Rachel goes into Labor. NOW FINISHED! R/R please. Enjoy!
1. The Intro

The One With the Game Show  
By: Jordan Forman  
  
(Ross runs into central perk very happily and very energetic. He runs up to the couch where the rest of "the gang" is sitting. He jumps up and down.)  
  
ROSS  
Guess what guys!  
  
RACHEL  
You married another lesbian? What a surprise! Congrats!  
  
(Rachel is sitting on the couch next to Monica. Her belly is big; the baby must be due soon.)  
  
ROSS  
No! That's not it! (Pauses) Fatty!  
  
(Ross sticks his tongue out at Rachel, while she sticks her tongue out.)  
  
ROSS  
I' m going to be on who wants to be a millionaire!  
  
(Joey jumps out of his seat.)  
  
JOEY  
Oh! I do! I do!  
  
MONICA  
He wasn't asking if you wanted to be a millionaire… he was saying he is going to be on the game show, hosted by Regis Philbin.   
  
JOEY  
Isn't that the guy who sells the clear eyes stuff?  
  
MONICA  
No! That's Ben Stein, from Win Ben Stein's money.  
  
(With a puzzled look on his face…) JOEY  
Right…  
  
CHANDLER  
So when are they filming the show?  
  
ROSS  
Tonight.  
PHEOBE  
That is so cool! You know I was on a game show once.  
  
RACHEL  
Really Pheebs?  
  
PHEOBE  
Yeah.  
  
RACHEL  
What game show?  
  
PHEOBE  
The dollar eighty five-beauty show. Boy did the money get me some good dtuff while I was on the streets. That's how I bought my barrelhouse.  
  
(Then out of nowhere Joey speaks.)  
  
JOEY  
So wait… Regis Philbin is the old British lady, who's really mean, who says, "You are the weakest link, goodbye!"  
  
(Sarcastically) CHANDLER  
Yes Joey!  
  
JOEY  
Now I know who she is… it didn't take me that long.  
  
SO NO ONE TOLD YOU THAT IT WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY…. 


	2. The Lifelines

MONICA  
So did you pick your lifelines yet? Am I one of them?  
  
ROSS  
Yes you are! In fact you all are. Monica is food.  
  
(Joey interrupts)  
  
JOEY  
Hey! That's not fair I know food better than Monica.  
  
RACHEL  
They aren't going to ask what three meats are on a subway Italian sub. They are going to ask questions about chefs and stuff.  
  
JOEY  
Oh. I see. So what lifeline am I?  
  
ROSS  
Sports and Television. Chandler is business, math and all that other smart stuff.  
  
(Rachel interrupts.)  
  
RACHEL  
So I'm not smart?  
  
ROSS  
No. (Pauses) You're fat. Also you are my fashion lifeline.  
  
RACHEL  
I could live with that. Also, you know I'm not sure if you have called your son fat more times than you called Moncia that.  
  
MONICA (offended)  
Hey!  
  
RACHEL  
Sorry Mon.  
  
ROSS  
Anyways, that leaves Pheebs with Music.  
  
PHOEBE  
OOO, Yay! Speaking of music… my talent on the game show was singing "smelly cat". Then someone in the crowd called me a dirty whore. Then I kicked her ass, and took my dollar eighty-five.  
  
(Phoebe giggles.) 


	3. In Ross' Apartment

(Later in Ross' apartment. Monica is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.)  
  
MONICA  
Ross, hurry up we are going to be late!  
  
ROSS  
I'll be out in a minute.  
  
(Suddenly the phone rings.)  
  
ROSS  
Can you get that?  
  
(Monica picks up the phone.)  
  
MONICA  
Hello…  
  
VOICE  
Hello honey.  
  
MONICA  
Mom, how are you?  
  
MOM  
Good, things are good here. How is our little star?  
  
MONICA  
Awww. Mom don't call me your little star, I'm not five years old.  
  
MOM  
Actually, I was referring to your brother.  
  
MONICA  
Oh. I knew that. He's getting ready, hold on.  
  
(Covers the phone, and shouts) MONICA  
Ross! It's mom!  
  
(Ross walks out of his room dressed in a tuxedo. He runs to the phone.)  
  
ROSS  
Hi Mom.  
  
MOM  
Honey, good luck, and don't embarrass your father and I. Don't tell any stories about marriage and lesbians and everything will be fine.  
  
(In the background Ross' dad shouts.) DAD  
And pregnancy  
  
MOM  
And pregnancy.  
  
ROSS  
Gotcha. Anyways got to go mom.  
  
MOM  
Good luck honey.  
(Ross hangs up the phone.)  
  
MONICA  
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?  
  
ROSS  
I don't know.  
  
MONICA  
Whatever. We have to leave, now! 


	4. The rest of the gang at Joey's

(Back at Joey's apartment.)  
  
JOEY  
This is so boring. Why do we have to stay in the apartment all night?  
  
CHANDLER  
Because, if Ross calls and needs our help then we need to be here.  
  
PHOEBE  
Hey guys, do you want to hear my new song?  
  
RACHEL  
Sure Pheebs, what's it about.  
  
PHOEBE  
That dollar eighty-five-beauty show.  
  
(Phoebe with guitar in hand, starts playing.)  
  
PHOEBE  
Back in the day when I was poor,  
Everybody thought that I was a whore.  
I was very skinny and I was always nude,  
And all that I needed was a little food.  
So I went on this show to win me some money,  
Then when I won two dollars it was funny.  
Suddenly some bitch jumped out of the crowd,  
She shouted that I was whore really loud.  
Then I kicked ass and broke her nose,  
And that's how my beauty story goes.  
  
(Everyone is silent.)  
  
RAHCEL  
That was great Pheebs.  
ALL  
Yup that was really good.  
  
RAHCEL  
The baby just kicked, he must have liked your song.  
  
PHOEBE  
Ooo. Yay! So what do you want to do now?  
  
CHANDLER  
We could play cards.  
  
PHOEBE  
I can't play cards. My dead grandma yelled at me last time I did that.  
  
CHANDLER  
Ok. No cards.  
  
JOEY  
We could play strip poker.  
  
CHANDLER  
And what do you need to play strip poker?  
  
JOEY  
Hot chicks.  
  
CHANDER  
And cards…  
  
JOEY  
Oh yea. Do we still have that happy days game from Montauk?  
  
RACHEL  
Joey, do you really want to play a game where you get to see a pregnant woman naked?  
  
JOEY  
Good point. Why don't we call in for a pizza?  
  
CHANDLER  
We can't use the phone!  
  
RACHEL  
This is like seclusion.  
  
PHOEBE  
Smelly cat, smelly cat,  
What are they feeding you?  
  
ALL  
Smelly cat, Smelly cat,  
It's not your fault! 


	5. The Fastest Finger

(At the studio where they film "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?")  
  
REGIS  
So tonight we have ten more contestants who are looking to be a millionaire… and their names are… Jim Johnson, Cindy Randal, Ross Geller, Jack Webster, Andy Patton, Janet Starr, Allison Ganger, Kenny Kramer, Chris Kilowitz, and Henry Hacky. Lets start off with the first fastest finger question. Put these four celebrities in order of earliest birth date to latest, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Brittany Spears, Jodie Foster, and Jennifer Connelly.  
  
(Music plays, as the camera focuses on Ross.)  
  
REGIS  
Ok, the correct order was: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jodie Foster, Jennifer Connelly, and Brittany Spears. Two people got this correct, Ross Geller, and Allison Ganger. Ms. Ganger's time was one second faster, so she will be the next contestant on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"  
  
(Allison gets from her seat and moves to the center stage and sits down across from Regis.)  
  
REGIS   
So where are you from?  
  
ALLISON  
New York City  
  
REGIS   
And is it true that you once got beaten up on a game show?  
  
ALLISON  
Yes. I was at The dollar eighty-five beauty show. The winner broke my nose.  
  
REGIS   
Now why would the winner break your nose?  
  
ALLISON  
I think she was crazy. She sang some song about a smelly cat.  
  
REGIS   
Sounds like a nutcase to me, lets get started… here is your 100 dollar question. 


	6. Back at the Apartment

(Back at the apartment.)  
  
JOEY  
Guys, this is so boring!  
  
PHOEBE  
I could sing Pepper People again.  
  
RACHEL  
I can't hear that song another time.  
  
CHANDLER  
I'd rather be strapped to a gurney and have my intestines pulled out.  
  
JOEY  
Who would do something like that?  
  
CHANDLER  
Are you serious? Are you really that stupid?  
  
JOEY  
No.  
  
RACHEL  
Why doesn't someone turn on the TV?  
  
JOEY  
There is nothing on.  
  
CHANDLER  
How on earth would you know that if we haven't turned on the TV?  
  
RACHEL  
I know! Joey reads TV guide while in the bathroom.  
  
JOEY  
Heeeeey. (Pauses) Rachel reads playboy!  
  
RACHEL  
Ouch!  
  
PHOEBE  
That shouldn't have hurt that bad. Lots of god people read playboy, like my grandmother.  
  
RACHEL  
No, its not that. My stomach hurts, the baby kicked really hard.  
  
JOEY  
Pheebs, your grandma read playboy?  
  
PHOEBE  
Yea. Ever since she was Miss November in 1940.  
  
JOEY  
Your grandma must have been really hot.  
  
PHOEBE  
Yea, but not as hot as me!  
  
CHANDLER  
of course not.   
  
RACHEL  
Ouch!  
  
CHANDLER  
Again?  
  
RACHEL  
Yea.  
  
CHANDLER  
Maybe we should get you to a hospital.  
  
RACHEL  
What about Ross?  
  
(Rachel starts to scream.)  
  
CHANDLER  
That's it, he better not call for me, because I'm running next door and calling the ambulance.  
  
(Chandler runs next door and shuts the door. He runs to the phone and dials. He then goes back to the door and pulls the knob, the knob falls out.)  
  
CHANDLER  
Oh, Fuck!  
  
(Chandler starts banging on the door and shouting.) 


	7. Ross Gets on the show...

(Back at the studio.)  
  
REGIS  
I'm sorry Allison we can only give you 1,000 dollars. Anyways, lets go on to our second fastest finger question. List these cities in geographical order starting from Asia and heading west. Las Vegas, London, Jerusalem, and New York.  
  
(Ross quickly punches in the answers.)  
  
REGIS  
And only one person got that question right, Ross Geller. Come Ross be the next contestant on, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"   
  
(Ross sits in the chair across from Regis.)  
  
REGIS  
So Ross, big geography person?  
  
ROSS  
No, actually I suck at it!  
  
(Regis starts to laugh.)  
  
REGIS  
I can tell you are a really funny one Ross.   
  
ROSS  
I was joking.  
  
REGIS  
Sure Ross, then how did u get that question right?  
  
ROSS  
Well, I'm Jewish so I know where Jerusalem is. I live in New York.  
  
REGIS  
Las Vegas, and London?  
  
ROSS  
I just knew it, can we get on with the game?  
  
REGIS  
Not until we say hi to your sister Monica.  
  
MONICA  
Hi Regis, am I on TV?  
  
REGIS  
You sure are.  
  
MONICA  
Hi mom, Hi dad. Everyone from high school, this is Monica Geller and I am not fat anymore!  
  
REGIS  
Ok. I think we should get this game started.  
  
(Later at the studio.)  
  
REGIS  
Ross, come on, just use your phone a friend. You aren't actually going to guess for 250,000 dollars.  
  
ROSS  
You are right, I'd like to use my phone a friend.  
  
REGIS  
Who would you like me to call?  
  
ROSS  
Chandler Bing.  
  
REGIS  
Excuse me. Is that actually someone's name?  
  
ROSS  
Yes.  
  
REGIS (talking to the audience)  
Listen to this folks, Ross has a friend named Chandler Bing. Ross is it true that his father is a cross dresser.   
  
(The audience starts laughing. Everyone is cracking up. Even Moncia is. Suddenly Chandler wakes up. He is sleeping on the door. He jumps up and starts banging on the door.)  
  
CHANDLER  
Somebody help me! 


	8. The Conclusion

(Back at the millionaire studio.)  
  
REGIS  
Ok, Ross. You are now going for $250,000. Tell me what three meats are in a subway's Italian Sub? A: Pepperoni, Bologna, Ham. B: Ham, Salami, and Pepperoni. C: Salami, Bologna, and Ham. Or D: Salami, Bologna, and Pepperoni.  
  
ROSS  
Regis, I have no idea but I would like to use my phone-a-friend.   
  
REGIS  
Who would you like to call?  
  
ROSS  
My friend Joey Tribiani.  
  
REGIS  
As in Dr. Drake Remoray?  
  
ROSS  
Yea. He likes Subway.  
  
REGIS  
This is my lucky day. He would never come on Regis and Kathy Lee because we never would have Pamela Anderson on. Our friends at AT&T will now try to contact Joey Tribani.   
  
(Back at the apartment.)  
  
RACHEL  
I think I'm in labor! Where's Chandler?  
  
JOEY  
That's it I hope Ross isn't calling now because I'm calling the ambulance.  
  
(Suddenly the phone rings. Joey picks it up.)  
  
JOEY  
Hello.  
  
REGIS  
Hello, this is Regis Philbin. Do you know why I'm calling?  
  
JOEY  
Sorry, I have to make an emergency phone call and my friend is in labor. Also, I'm not interested in your clear eyes.   
  
(Joey hangs up the phone.)  
  
(Back at the studio.)  
  
REGIS  
Looks like one of Mr. Tribiani's friends are in labor. Who else would you like to call?  
  
(Ross stands up.)  
  
ROSS  
Rachel!  
  
(He runs off the stage. Monica gets up from her seat and follows.)  
  
(In the hospital. Rachel is on a bed. Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are next to her.)  
  
CHANDLER  
By the way guys, thanks for letting me out even though you were in a hurry.  
  
JOEY  
We couldn't handle your crying.  
  
CHANDLER  
Oh.  
  
(Rachel starts to scream.)  
  
PHOEBE  
Here comes another one. Just breath in and out.  
  
(Rachel continues to scream.)  
  
PHOEBE  
Good job!  
  
(The doctor enters. It's the doctors played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.)  
  
CLOONEY  
So we meet again, Rachel.  
  
WYLE  
or is it Monica?  
(They both start to laugh.)  
  
CLOONEY  
Here is the deal, you are about to go into the final stages, and we have your actual medical insurance so we are going to take you into the delivery room.  
  
WYLE  
You guys are going to have stay here unless one of you is the father.  
  
ALL  
No.  
  
RACHEL  
Can one of them come? The father probably is not coming.  
  
(Ross and Monica run in. Ross is in his boxers.)  
  
WYLE  
Monica? And a half nude man.  
  
RACHEL  
That's the father.  
  
CLOONEY  
And he is half-naked.  
  
ROSS  
I didn't have time to take all the stuff out of my pockets, and the cufflinks, and whatever so I ripped off my clothes.  
  
RACHEL  
That is so sweet.  
  
CLOONEY  
Ok, we have to go.  
  
(They wheel Rachel out of the room, and Ross follows.)  
  
ROSS  
We'll be back.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED… 


End file.
